Northwood Church

"It’s a horribly frustrating thing having the knowledge that you “know better”

I have a great life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of struggles and pain, but compared to most people’s life experience after 26 years, mine is fairly charmed.

I couldn’t have asked for a better family. I have always had a close relationship with my parents and three brothers. Mom and Dad are stable, modeled a healthy, loving relationship to me, gave me boundaries, discipline, and love and, most importantly, taught me about the things of God…. And they continue to do all of those things.

I have been a Christian basically for as long as I can remember. I “officially” asked Christ to be a part of my life at the tender age of 5, but I can’t tell you that this event marked a major turning point from a life of reckless sin. My journey has been much more subtle. I’ve experienced gradual steady change, as rock that has been smoothed by the rush of fast current over the years.

I grew up in Rochester, MN in an upper-middle income neighborhood where I have never known hunger or want.

I have had the opportunity to go to college, get a great education, to maintain employment, and generally have been able to do what American’s strive for – Pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. I have been given the gift a great husband, who is my partner and best friend.

So, consider this list of wonderful blessings I have been given. Would it surprise you to know that I am still a moral failure?

Despite all of this……I have still managed to screw it up. Despite all this I have still managed to make self-serving, morally deprecating, integrity marring choices.

It’s a horribly frustrating thing having the knowledge that you “know better”, but you still continue to make bad choices, making the same mistakes over and over. I even find myself at times envying those people’s stories who can say, at one point in their life, they did not know better, then they found Christ, and they did, and they changed their ways.

I must live with the fact that all of my failings have been under the full knowledge of what Christ has done for me and full knowledge of the way I ought to live. I have been given the gifts and knowledge that should lead to right decision making. I cannot claim I didn’t know, that I made them under duress, or that I was under such hardship I had nowhere to turn. No, the only thing I can say is that “I knew better, and I’ve ALWAYS known better.”

Because of this, I have often found myself bogged down in the muck of guilt and shame. When I look at my life, and my choices, particularly the bad ones, I only have one person to blame… me. I find myself asking, how can God continue to love, accept, and forgive me when I make choices against him with FULL knowledge of that choice?

I often think God must feel about me like I feel about the “annoying neighborhood kid.” You know, the kid who comes over unwelcome, who is too loud, who terrorizes your dog, who gets your kids into trouble. You love this kid in the sense that you wish them no ill will, but your relationship is marked with constant, mild annoyance.

But I’ve found this is far from the truth. This belief is what keeps me from doing Christ’s work and putting my faith into action.

Instead I must focus my energy on the things I have learned and how Christ continues to transform me.

God has transformed me through the blessings, and then, through the consequences of taking Christ and those blessing for granted. When I think through my life choices, I discover that my biggest regrets, my worst decisions, and my deepest pain have been the things that have been my greatest springboards to drastic change for the better. The negative experience of pain never fails to refocus my life on Christ, bringing Him back to center, thus taking the focus off myself which is what ALWAYS gets me into to trouble.

God has also transformed me by giving me understanding and compassion for other’s circumstances. I have come to know that things are not always what they seem, all people are capable of evil, most things are not black and white, life situations are complex. This realization makes it difficult to judge others… instead God has filled me with empathy for people and what they go through, whether the problems are of their own making or not.

Finally, God has transformed me by giving me a passion for serving. I have been given much, and therefore much is required of me. Instead of letting this be my burden, it is my greatest joy. I have two choices – I can let myself be bogged down in regret and guilt, or I can let Christ free me saying, “that was then, this is now, you’re loved, now get out there and help change lives.” Service not only helps change lives and communities, is also incredibly healing. It is what has most helped me move on and do the work of Christ.

So I do have a great life! Not just because of the blessings I have been given, but because of the grace I’ve experienced from a patient God, Who loves me, died for me, and teaches me daily what it means to really LIVE!

"The whole communication with God really confused me."

I grew up in a Christian household where we attended church every Sunday. Despite this, I struggled with the truth about God and the bible and had little understanding on what the bible was all about. This lack of knowledge led to frustration and fear in my life. Rather than praying and reading to gain knowledge, I ignored it. It wasn’t until the age of twelve that I realized I was separated from God by my sin. This is when it sank in that there was nothing I could do to save myself. But when the spiritual blindfold came off I knew my sins were forgiven. I was now at peace and it was only because Jesus went to the cross to pay for my sin.
As I grew older, I realized God wanted more for my life and I was missing the personal relationship with him. I remember hearing teachers and relatives saying how God was working in their lives, how he was answering prayers, communicating with them and changing their actions. The whole communication with God really confused me. I had no idea how I could hear God and I didn’t know how he could hear me. I knew I needed to be praying and reading the bible, but to me, the bible was too overwhelming. I had no idea where to start and had a difficult time understanding what it all meant. I remember hearing my family argue on biblical matters and get into deep conversations about things in the bible. This led me into more confusion and I lost all desire to grow.
At age 24, I married Brenda. Even though Brenda and I were believers, we were not active in church, nor was the bible something we would discuss. After our first child was born we went back to church because we knew it was important to raise our children in the truth. We attended every so often, never getting involved beyond Sunday service. As child number two was coming we made prayer a bigger part of our lives as we would pray with our kids at night before bed. Brenda and I would start sharing our stories and start to talk about the importance of God for our household. Looking back, I see that Satan had a grip on me and was blocking me from doing God’s will. I was spiritually stalled and wasn’t making any effort to improve it. As child number three was coming, we were determined to find a new church home for us. We talked about how important connections with other believers were, and we both had a desire to grow spiritually. The last two years at Northwood have been an amazing time for growth. I would have to say it all started with prayer. Only then, did God open doors for us and show us where we needed to go.
About a year ago, Brenda pointed out a note to me in the Northwood news about a mission trip to Costa Rica which involved helping others and construction work. I felt this was a good fit and after some prayer I even felt God calling me to go. Before leaving, I had been praying more but was still not reading the bible much. In Costa Rica, we were given a short study on the life of Jesus. Each morning we would get up, lie out on the grass and read. For the first time I truly felt God’s hand and his Spirit guiding me as I read. God was revealing things to me daily. As Jesus and I continued our relationship, through prayer and reading, I finally started to understand how we could communicate. I truly felt God used this mission trip as a catalyst to launch me into a stronger relationship with him.
After getting home, a few of us started a weekly bible study. I was excited to study the bible and see what else would be revealed to me. After several months I had pages of side notes and still had a lot of questions on different issues. This combined with conversations with family members on biblical matters really fueled a passion and hunger to know the bible even deeper. I didn’t want to just know some key verses; I wanted to know the truth on all topics. After time in prayer and reflecting on this issue, I felt God leading me to write a study on the bible. It was a truth mission for me. I had never felt God leading me before like this and I knew it was a calling from him. In September I started writing a study on the 21 Epistles in the New Testament. It is developed as a reading plan with questions to help dig deeper into the bible. Brenda and my dad have reviewed it for me and I will print it soon. Right now I am about half way through my second study which is on the four Gospels, and have a third book on the horizon to complete the New Testament.
I feel God has given me knowledge to understand his word and discernment to know if the things I hear are from God or from the world. Being a Christian, we are the body of Christ. We are the bride of Christ. Jesus wants us to be active not idle. Jesus wants our faith growing not dying. And Jesus wants us on fire for him, not cold or ever lukewarm. It was prayer that started my relationship with Jesus, and it takes reading the bible to keep it strong and growing.

"I realized that he loves me for who I am."

As I look back at my life, there have been two phases: 1) Ken in Control, 2) God in Control.
To take you back to the “Ken in Control” phase, I grew up in New Hope, MN in a committed Catholic household. I was the 2nd of four kids and I grew-up enjoying life. I loved school, I loved sports, and even loved going to church. I grew-up the “typical jock”. If there was a sport to be played or watch, I was there. As a bi-product of my love of sports came a spirit of competition and confidence. Everything I did, I strived to be the best. With this competitiveness and confidence came “Ken in Control.”
After high school, I went to two years of college. While I have always liked school, I became disenchanted in college, with a turning point being when I got a “D” on a big term test that was 50% of the overall grade. Knowing I had roughly four years more after just transferring schools, I felt I needed to do something else. What did “I” do? I joined the Navy.
Upon completion of Boot Camp, I went to Aviation Electrician’s school in Memphis, TN. When you are a student in the Navy, how well you do in school gives you priority in choosing your orders for permanent duty. My preference was large anti-submarine aircraft (P-3) on the West Coast. With “Ken in Control” I was 1st in my class, and when our class was up for orders, I thought I had a P-3 squadron in California or Hawaii locked-up. When orders were posted, I was in shock to learn that my orders were for Sigonella, Sicily.
I did not have a clue what the Lord had in store for me. Up to this point in my life I still loved going to church and attended mass every week. This changed however while I was in Sicily. I would go each week, but found myself asking the question, “Why am I going to church?” I felt pretty empty and did not feel good about it.
It was at that time that I met an Air Traffic Controller, who just happened to be from Minnetonka, MN. After finally getting the courage to ask her out, we went on a couple of very enjoyable dates before I went on a North Atlantic detachment with my squadron and Julie went to Germany on a couple weeks leave. We both returned to Sicily and at this time Julie was within a few weeks of transferring to Pensacola, FL. She ended-up passing on these orders and extended for one more year in Sicily. I was definitely not in control in that situation, but was very glad and thankful about it.
We continued seeing each other and Julie asked me if I wanted to attend the Protestant service on base. I went with her and soon realized what it meant to worship the Lord. Instead going to church and feeling like I was fulfilling a requirement, I began to see through the music, prayer and message that I needed to be involved in the worship.
A few months later we were engaged and planned our wedding for when we were home on leave prior to our next duty station. We did our premarital counseling with one of the Sigonella base chaplains. After our 1st meeting with him, we learned that he was born in Italy, raised Catholic, went to the United States and became an ordained Southern Baptist Minister prior to joining the Navy. His counseling and perspective was just what I needed. I had lived my life up to that point knowing “about” Jesus Christ, but soon realized that I needed to ask Jesus into my heart and have a personal relationship with him. Just as I was entering into my love relationship with my soon to be wife, I also had to have a love relationship with the Lord.
After we were married we headed to Jacksonville, FL for our 2nd enlistment in the Navy. The Lord led us to a small Christian Reformed church, which helped me to know Jesus better and grow my faith.
After seven years in the Navy and the birth of our son John, we decided to return to Minnesota. My new faith trusting “God in Control” was soon tested in a big way. I was faced with a career change, relocation, no job, and no permanent home. Within a month the Lord provided me job and met our other needs. I learned that trusting God and allowing Him to be in control is much better than “Ken in Control.”
After coming to know Jesus, I realized that I do not need to be the best at everything I do, and that he loves me for who I am. In circumstances where I am challenged or struggling, I know that I cannot do it on my own. A much better way is to seek God’s will and live my life for Him. I have also learned that with this trust, I need to be growing in my relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This means spending time reading the Bible and time spent in prayer.
I have just completed my 3rd year in Bible Study Fellowship. This method of Bible Study is a blessing to me by allowing me to increase my Bible knowledge and gain a better understanding of God. In short, God is loving and understanding, gracious and forgiving, righteous, faithful, sovereign, and “In Control.” Proverbs 3:5-6 has meant a lot to me as I’ve been on this journey:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.”

"I was mad at God for letting this happen."

April 10th, less than 9 months ago, is the day I got the call; my mom had collapsed and was now in critical condition. I rushed to the hospital, and as I entered the waiting room my brother was the first one to speak. "Mom is gone."
I burst into tears not knowing what to do or think. As we sat in silence for the next hours all I could think was, what did we do to deserve this? And why didn't God save her? The days following I felt like things would not get better and all I could do was curl up and cry. The Wednesday after she died was the funeral. The Pastor talked about my mom’s relationship with God, and how she was going to heaven. As I listened, I just kept thinking, “That might be true, but it doesn’t help me at all. If my mom loved him so much, and he was so good, why did he let her die?”
I was mad at God for letting this happen. I felt like nobody could help me because they didn't have any idea what I was going through. And I didn’t want anything to do with God. He was the one who had messed everything up in the first place.
A week after my mom died I was hanging out with my friend Blake and I was telling him that we were trying to find a new Church. He invited me to check out Northwood on the upcoming Sunday because he thought that I would probably like it. We did, and liked it enough to start coming regularly. I began to feel at home, and I felt very loved, which was a feeling that I desperately needed.
The one thing that my mom wanted for all of her kids was for them to believe in God. I had a hard time with that because I was so angry with Him. But the more we talked about trusting God, and the more the people at Church cared about me, the more I started to feel that maybe God cared about me too.
But that was a problem. I had spent so much time focusing on the negatives and unanswered questions. I had decided that God was a jerk, or that he didn’t care how I felt. It was his fault that my mom died, and I didn’t want anything to do with him. I was going to do this on my own. But maybe I was wrong.
In October I went on a retreat with the youth group, partly because it sounded fun, but mostly I just wanted to get away from my house for awhile. I did not once think that I would come back changed. When I was on the retreat we had a lot of time to spend alone and just listen to God. During one of those times I went off into a field to lay under the stars and as I laid there I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt since my mom died. It seemed like God was saying, “I am here.”
The next day when I got home from the retreat I was so tired that I was planning to take a nap, but I couldn't seem to fall asleep, so I laid there for hours thinking about the retreat. I realized that I felt different then when we left, but I didn't really know what was going on. I felt... happy, but it was even bigger than that. I felt joy.
I started to feel like I was finally letting God take care of me, and trusting him instead of trying to do everything on my own. I honestly never felt like I would be able to get to that place, that I would always be angry about my mom, or I would need all the answers.
Later, I was explaining this to someone and they suggested that I finally knew what it really means to be a Christian. I thought I already knew that. I figured it was just believing in God and trying to be a good person. I didn’t realize that it was more about trusting God, having faith that he is looking out for you, and admitting that you need him.
Letting God take care of me opened up my eyes so much to everything. Now that I have put my trust in God I feel so much happier, the happiest I have felt since the death of my mom. Dealing with a death is the hardest thing that I have ever had to experience and to be honest, it sucks. More importantly though, is that even though it sucks, God is right by my side.
I know that all of you have gone through something crappy in your life, even if it's something small, and you probably all thought the same thing: “God isn't here for me.” I am here to tell you that God is here for you and I know that sometimes that's really hard to believe, but trust me, he is doing more than you know. Sometimes we need to stop focusing on the negative things and worrying about controlling everything. I pretended that I could figure it all out and make things better, but it didn’t work. When I stopped worrying about fixing everything, things started to get fixed. That’s how God works.
Don't ever forget that others love you and so does God. Coming to realize both of those things has helped me so much. When we worry we tend to push God away, and I know that doesn’t help at all. When you let him in, it changes how you look at things, and it gives God a chance to remind you that “You are loved.”